Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Ya might wanna sit down with a cup of tea or coffee or heck a bottle of vodka because dang it, I was going to write about how it's already June and I haven't really cracked any of the goals I wanted for this year but lets be real here, I'm just gunna word vomit what's been happening in these 6 months of 2018. I mean since this blogpost , all I've done is bought my own domain for my blog, which I'm happy about and now I want to get started on getting a new layout for my blog but I've been brought down so much lately with all of the recent events, that I'm starting to not feel motivated or want to do anything. 

Truth be told, my anxiety has been really high lately. It's like my family has been cursed to have a shit year. Firstly my father passes away in Feb, then because of me, being the most awkward person in the entire world for not having an in date passport or proper ID, I couldn't prove myself to the banks that I was in fact my father's daughter to be able to release funds that would help to give him a funeral, eventually this did happen... three weeks later and his funeral was just before, what would have been his birthday in March. THEN 3 months later, my furbaby Zazzles goes missing for 5 days, comes home looking a bit rough. Only for the vet to tell me that some douchebag hit Zazzles at some point during those 5 missing days and he had ruptured his sternum, broke every rib and had air in between his organs.. oh and a missing claw on his foot. Well fuck my life. I had a decision to make, didn't I? I didn't have £4,600 to put my cat back together so the only option was to say goodbye. It's been three weeks and I still miss him so much. In fact I'd love to have a kitty cuddle right now. And now I get a message from our landlord telling me that he wants to stay in this country (fuck knows where by the way, I've met the guy once) he had been backpacking around and is now wanting to sell what has now become my home. I don't even know anymore, guys. 

I wanted to get back into my everyday stuff, reading books, blogging, drawing and streaming again. Activities that make me happy. I don't want to be moping around my soon to be ex-house, looking at all the things I should be doing instead of actually doing them. This year was my year to get shit done and I've done fuck all. I can't really use my recent shitty events as an excuse all the time but with another 6 months to go this year, I'm wandering what else could possibly be in store for me.

I was going to write a list that went something like this;

- Stream on Twitch again
- Start sketching at least once a day
- Read for 30 mins a day.
- Get back into blogging and blog about what you really love.
- Try and see friends at least once a week

Instead my real af goals list will be something like;

+ Find a new place to live that doesn't look like a 70's crack den (seriously landlords, spend some money and maintain your properties)
+ Stop crying (I'm not looking forward to fathers day)
+ Sort out everything you don't want to take with you to the new house (because I cannot be arsed with 100000 boxes of books and makeup)
+ Hide because my anxiety can't take it all (I'll be over here wrapped like a burrito and playing games)
+ Try and go to the doctors for more Sertraline  (gimme drugs)

"Oh but Jess, it's expected with recent events, it will get better" One. Fuck off. Two. yes I know it will get better with time but right now every inch of me is hurting physically (I have a bad back and a migraine) and emotionally. I'm frustrated, I'm sad and I'm tired. 

Honestly, just like most of these goal posts, these goals are not getting achieved anytime soon but I will try my darn hardest to achieve them. 

Lemme know what you do to cheer yourself up during dark days..

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